Utah is a bizarre and occasionally wonderful place but it gets particularly outlandish when it comes to dating. Modern generations don’t rely so heavily on meet-cutes or bar pickups and as such, things can get a little hairy. We’ve complied a glossary of sorts to help you navigate the tumultuous waters that make up Utah’s unique dating scene and while we can’t promise that mastery of the local jargon will get you a date, at least you’ll know what other people are talking about.
Afterglow: The warm, wholly satisfied feeling that comes after really great sex. Also the name of an oddly successful Mormon pop duo.
Bae: A term of endearment. See also: baby, sweetie, honey bunny, boo, pookie bear, etcetera, ad nauseam. Adorable to your partner. Insufferable to your friends.
Catfish: To entirely fabricate a fictional person in order to attract a stranger on the Internet.
DTR: “Define the Relationship.” Probably better to have this talk before you run into your least favorite aunt at the supermarket
Eternal Companion: A bold play. It’ll either get you out of an unsatisfactory relationship or trap you forever.
Feminist boyfriend: Far less common than it should be.
Ghosting: The French Exit/The Irish Goodbye - fading out of interactions with a person to the point of full on disappearance.
Hipster: Beard-growing-plaid-wearing-film-camera-using-man-bun-flaunting guys who are ‘taking a year for themselves to really find what they have to offer the world.’
Indigo Girls: If you’re a man pursuing a woman and this is at the top of her Spotify wrap-up, you may be barking up the wrong tree.
Jack Mormon: Someone who may still be technically Mormon but doesn’t try too hard to hide the fact that they scorn church teachings by doing outlandish things like drinking coffee or going out on a Sunday.
Kittenfish: To exaggerate or fabricate small details about yourself when meeting someone online.
Lumbersexual: If a beard and flannel gets you all hot and bothered, this is you.
Mormon Baseball: 1st Base: Hold hands. 2nd Base: Kiss. 3rd Base: Marriage. Home Plate: Scheduled sex (in missionary of course.)
NCMO: Non-Committal Make Out. It’s like a Mormon one night stand.
Outercourse: Dry humping, handjobs, etc. Your high school guidance councilor’s last ditch effort to keep you from getting pregnant.
Pull a Mosby: Proclaim love on a first date.
Quiche: Sort of like an egg pie, but more importantly, a telltale sign that you’ve found yourself at brunch. Which means that you are in a committed relationship. So congrats or whatever.
Return Missionary: When a Mormon couple has sex twice in thirty days.
Soaking: Penetration but no movement. Little known fact, it is not a way around the Law of Chastity. It still totally counts as sex, just lame sex.
Thirsty: Return missionaries eager for one thing and one thing only and they’ll put a ring on your finger to get it.
Underage: The general vibe of Utah marriages. We’ve got the youngest average female marriage age in the country. Ew.
Vacation Crush: This is the white whale. It’s the hope that you’ll catch the fancy of some Sundance Starlet or Stud and get whisked away to be the world’s happiest sugar baby. (Shakira, you know where to find me.)
Wait for Them: When you swear off all humans of the opposite gender for 18 months to 2 years until your bae comes home from their mission.
Xfiniti: Because getting fucked on our cable bill is the only action a lot of us can hope for.
Young Adult: An unmarried adult from the age of 18 - 30. See also: Spinster
Zion’s Loophole: Also known as God’s Loophole, putting in the rough, or taking the dirt road home. All the awkwardness and wincing of your first time but without the fiery damnation.
This glossary was compiled by The Daily Utah Chronicle’s Editor-in-Chief Katherine Ellis, who managed to find an elusive, real-life feminist boyfriend in Happy Valley, and Devin Wakefield, Page Designer Extraordinaire, who spends a lot of time complaining about how hard it is to date while below the poverty line.
